This year has been ____. I feel like you should fill in the blank there. I’ve heard lots of conversations about how this year has been hard for certain populations. So let’s just acknowledge that 2020 has been strange and difficult and heartbreaking for:
- Teachers
- Parents
- Kids
- The elderly
- Grocery store workers
- Life insurance agents
- The unemployed
- People of color
- First responders
- Pastors
- Therapists
Actually, I think it would be difficult to make a list of people who have not suffered during this year. Many pastors are celebrating the greater reach that their ministries can have due to everything moving online, but at the same time, the people in churches are struggling. Pastors are struggling. No pastor alive has ever shepherded people through a pandemic before, nor have any therapists counseled through a pandemic. The weight that we’re carrying is tremendous.
What is This Wound?
It’s not surprising then, that in my practice I’ve encountered more incidents of “church hurt” than ever before. Church hurt refers to that specific kind of emotional and spiritual wound that happens when a church member, leadership team, or pastor really lets you down. The sense of betrayal, deception, abandonment, or disillusion is devastating. In every conversation about church hurt, I hear comments about how we just can’t put pastors on pedestals because they will disappoint us. I’m not actually here to talk about why church hurt happens, only that it does happen, and we need to know how to address it.
As a lifelong follower of Christ, I’ve had my share of positive and negative church experiences. As a child, I was aware that there were disagreements between the pastor and the elder board upon which my father served. There was a time during my early teen years in which my family had “home church” because we had difficulty finding a local church that fit. Then, when we did find a church, it was only a few years before things broke down, including questionable financial and moral choices by the pastor of our small congregation.
Despite mostly good church experiences in my adult life, I knew that it was only a matter of time before church hurt crept up for me, my husband, and our children again. This time it occurred with the feeling of abandonment–understanding why my pastors were stepping away from the ministry, but still feeling like someone died in my grief.
Church Hurt in Counseling
In the midst of my own deep grief, I have been counseling a handful of other women who are experiencing various forms of church hurt. For confidentiality’s sake, I won’t mention any specifics, but no two situations are alike. The similarity across the board, however, is the statement: “I don’t know if I’ll ever be part of a church again.”
Even typing that, my heart drops. It’s truly heartbreaking that the institution that Jesus Himself created to care for His people and proclaim Good News issued a wound so deep that my clients don’t think they can ever return. Here are the things that I think we must do when going through our own church hurt or helping others with theirs:
1. Acknowledge and Lament
Simple Christian platitudes are not welcome here. If you or a friend or client is going through church hurt, this is a time to lean in and listen well. Acknowledge that this is one of the most painful things Christians experience in the social, emotional, and spiritual areas of life. When you are feeling church hurt, take some time to journal or to share with a trusted friend or counselor. Write or share your raw thoughts and emotions even if they seem mixed up or even un-Christian. If you are listening, do not press the wounded person to move past emotions before they have been expressed and lamented. Even if you hear “I’ll never go to church again,” don’t despair. This is like a painful breakup that makes a person feel like she’ll never date again. Healing will take time.
2. Rhythm and Routine
This fall Soul Grit Resources provided a series of blogs on the daily and weekly rhythms that safeguard mental and spiritual health. If your church world has been shaken up, it could feel bewildering to your weekly schedule. If you used to attend church on Sundays and bible study on Wednesdays, there may be gaping holes in your schedule. Don’t let the church-shaped hole remove you from the practice of rhythm and routine. Even if you’re not attending meetings and gatherings, make time to connect with Christian friends who understand why you’ve stepped away for a time. Make a concentrated effort to keep up personal devotion and bible study time. Worship in your car or your shower. Your quiet time may not feel as delightful right now, but there has never been a time when you needed more discipline in this area.
3. Serve
One of the great disadvantages of losing your church connection can be the loss of opportunities to serve. If burnout is what has caused your church hurt, this may be a time to seek to serve in smaller ways, such as with family, friends, and neighbors. In the Scriptures, we have lots of evidence that God cares about his people caring for the poor, needy, and friendless. If you are not serving within your local church, what are some ways that you can continue to be part of serving God’s Kingdom? You may look for other local ministries or simply help out a neighbor with yardwork, childcare, or a listening ear.
4. Have Honest Conversations
Is there someone from your church with whom you need to have a conversation? Be brave and be kind. This is not the time for gossip or bitterness. I’m not a pastor, but I know the hurt inflicted when people decided to leave the church without saying anything. After years of greeting each other on Sunday mornings, suddenly they are not there. Consider who might feel the loss if you disappeared. I promise you, even if you feel like no one appreciates you there, they will notice when you are gone. I’ve also been on the side of needing to have a conversation with a pastor about something that wasn’t right. I was so anxious that I made myself sick. Be brave. Have the conversations.
5. Commit to Reevaluating
Whether you commit to yourself in your journal or to a trusted friend, don’t allow yourself to go forever without reevaluating how you feel and how you can move forward. A few weeks ago, my family and I were out to dinner and talking to a server who shared that her parents had left a local church because of a wound, intending to find a new place after a while. That was twenty years ago, and this young woman in her 20s lost most of the opportunity to grow up in a church-going family. Set a period of time after which you will reevaluate: three months, six months, a year. That doesn’t mean things need to be perfect after that much time, but be honest with whether you can explore reengaging with the Body of Christ.
You may need to have a friend or advisor ask you some difficult questions. When you decide you are ready to try out reengagement, consider what could be different now than in the past. Maybe you were part of a small church and now you prefer the anonymity of a larger church. Maybe the particular denomination had some patterns and practices that don’t work for you now. Perhaps you need to investigate the leadership structure of the church you are considering trying.
6. Seek Help
If you are a sufferer of spiritual abuse or even just hurt feelings, it may be necessary for you to find help with sorting things out. Religious trauma is trauma, and so is relationship trauma. In this case, most any therapist could help, but you may need to do some extra legwork to find a therapist who can specialize in spiritual wounds. Read profiles on PsychologyToday.com for therapists who mark “Christian” in their bios, and follow up on their websites. Ask questions to find out if a therapist is going to be able to understand the unique kind of hurt you can get from a church.
Don’t give up. If the process of finding a suitable therapist is too much for you (but you know you need one), enlist the help of a friend who can make a short list for you. Remember in these days of online-everything due to the pandemic, your therapist does not need to be local, just licensed in your state.
Reach out. Soul Grit Resources works to facilitating the connection between mental health care and the Christian faith. That means we’ll probably be seeing this issue come up again. Email info@soulgritresources.com and tell me what you want to see more of on the blog.
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