There are many types of being seen. When you’re a teenage girl waiting to be asked to a dance. Waiting to hear back from a job application with an invitation for an interview. Hoping for new friendships in a new community. Praying that your art or music will be discovered. In the Bible, being seen was important to a minor character right there in Genesis chapter 16. From there we can understand the importance of seeing others and being seen.
Hagar and El-roi
The story of Hagar goes like this. She was a servant to Sarai, the wife of Abram, the one who was to have countless descendants. Sarai couldn’t seem to get pregnant, so she gave Hagar to her husband so that Hagar could provide a son. As you might expect, this plan didn’t work out that well. Sarai treated Hagar so harshly once Hagar was pregnant that she ran away. During her flight from Sarai, she encountered God, who comforted her and gave her promises for the future. She said, “You are the God who sees me.” This is where we get the name for God, “El-roi,” from Genesis 16:13.
If you’ve ever experienced the ache that comes from needing to be seen, you probably can identify with Hagar. Her circumstances were not created by her own actions. She was used and manipulated by other people. But in her despair, she encountered God, and He spoke directly to her. This gives me hope that when I feel invisible to people around me, there is One Who can see me.
Seeing People
Seeing people is a work of compassion and reconciliation that any Christian can undertake. Like Hagar, we meet people who are running away all the time. Sometimes we might try to run away ourselves. As Christians, we can pray for eyes that truly see people. It is the basis of empathy, or “feeling with” someone.
A therapist friend recently posted in an online group an illustration of three black women wearing t-shirts that had three statements. “See my color,” “See the struggle,” and “See the oppression.” The words “I don’t see color” were crossed out. The point of the drawing was to show that not seeing is just as damaging as seeing with negative intentions. People need to be seen in their pain. People can’t grow when they are in hiding.
In church this week, my pastor offered a prophetic word for someone who felt like hiding and being unseen. Sometimes it is weariness, emotional turmoil, or pain that causes us to want not to be seen. Jesus is the answer for this because He is gentle and His burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30). When Jesus meets you as El-Roi and lightens your burdens, it becomes ok for other people to see you. In the church, we have to be diligent to see people with compassion and love, not judgment and selfishness.
Seeing is for Therapists
As a therapist, my first job is to “see” my client. I have to see where he is and what he is struggling with in order to begin building rapport. Then I must continue seeing him in order to help him navigate a path towards healing and growth. I believe that clients know when therapists can see them or not. A therapist may have a very good understanding of clinical theory and application of techniques, but none of it will produce authentic change if the client does not feel seen.
During my grad school years, I was required to see a therapist for thirty hours as part of my graduation requirements. I chose someone who professed to be a Christian counselor and who had experience working through countertransference, which is a big deal for new therapists. At the end of each session, she would ask: “Would you like to pray?” That moment always deflated me. Sometimes I didn’t actually want to pray, but I’m a good church girl and I could never, ever decline to pray. I just couldn’t do it. Her question or invitation made me feel unseen. I believed that if my therapist really knew me, she wouldn’t ask, because she would know that I couldn’t say no. (This experience makes it really rare for me to pray with a client unless they suggest it.)
Such a small interaction can derail the therapeutic alliance. The actions and words of therapists can be misconstrued and they are always magnified and amplified. So how does a therapist know if she is truly seeing her clients?
Pray for El-Roi Vision
Our common goal as Christians is to grow in Christlikeness. God wants to give you the kind of vision and compassion that He displayed to Hagar in the wilderness. Like Brandon Heath sings in “Give Me Your Eyes,” it pleases God to give you this spiritual ability as you rise to respond in love. Seeing is just the first step, anyway. Once you see people like God does, you will be challenged to act!
Get Out of the Way
I’m the kind of therapist that is very casual and relational. It means that I do a lot of self-disclosure (sharing about myself) in order to build relationship and ensure authenticity. I see huge benefits in this and it is the style of therapy that I respond to best as a client. However, there is a major drawback. If I over-identify with my clients, I can make assumptions and connections that are just plain wrong. Something my client says might remind me of something in my own life, but if I forge ahead believing that their situation is exactly like mine, I’ll do harm.
Getting out of the way means that I have to allow my client to be themselves and have their own experiences, even when I think I have something to say about it. I need to see my client’s feelings the way she experiences them. A good therapist can create a space where it is safe to show up authentically. I need to allow her to show me how it is.
Pursue Self-Development
There are some ways of being in the world that might be hard for us to understand, depending on our backgrounds. This could be race and ethnicity, gender expression, religious background, history of abuse, differences in education, and many more variances. Each client is an individual and will have experiences that deviate from his or her group. However, therapists (and people in general) need to spend the time and effort learning about what it’s like to come from a different background. Because I am an educated, white, evangelical, cisgendered wife and mom, I have a particular experience in the world. I have to work harder to understand the experiences of people who would be described differently than I am. And hear this: it is not the other person’s job to educate you. Do the work. Research. Ask trusted sources. Believe what they say.
Process It
Although “processing” is a lot of what we do as therapists, there are a few things that might be difficult to process. “How am I doing?” is a question that takes guts to ask. You might ask your client “Do you feel seen by me?” “When have you felt like I didn’t see you?” “What made you feel seen?” If you are a really gutsy client, you can initiate a conversation like this with your therapist. But let’s be real, there is still a power differential in the therapist-client relationship. For this conversation to happen, it will be on the shoulders of the therapist. And if you want your client to respond truthfully, you need to have created a lot of safety and rapport.
Do you feel seen?
One of the best ways to get really good at seeing people is to feel seen yourself. Wow, how do I do that? There is One Who is waiting to show you that He sees you. You will start feeling seen when you press into reading your Bible and spending real, vulnerable time talking and listening to God. It’s all over the pages of Scripture. He sees you. It’s evident as you look back over your life and observe the times He has been faithful. He sees you. Pass it on.
Recent Comments