It’s hard enough as an adult to make and maintain friendships, but now that we have a global pandemic during an election year, it seems nearly impossible to be as connected socially as we would like to be. I think about my friend who joined a new church in February, excited to be involved in various ministries, only for everything to shut down in March. I also think about my friends and family members who have health conditions, and have been afraid to see anyone outside of unavoidable medical appointments and the grocery delivery person. But in working with therapy clients and church members, I know that the problem of “social distancing” and isolation occurred long before the government mandated shut downs.
Personally, I’ve lamented the shift from college, where there were always friends around late into the night, into early adulthood and marriage pre-kids, where we could spend significant time building friendships, but people had jobs and spouses. Then there was another shift when kids came (along with career, home ownership, and all kinds of “adulting”). It seems like the older we get, the less time and opportunity we have for friends. It is literally one of the top reasons that I look for a church first if we have to move to a new area.
If you’ve been reading the headlines, you know that nursing home residents have fared worse during this time of isolation, and that suicide rates are up across the population. While there are a host of economic and even biological factors that go into those numbers, it is primarily an example of the toll of broken social connections on humans. If you’ve been around the church at all, you know how much even this great body has struggled recently to keep people engaged and plugged into community. It takes immense personal effort as our pastors, leaders, therapists, teachers, are all serving needs and struggling with personal hardship. Your customary dependence on others to help you stay connected may not be working for you right now.
Since this series is all about establishing a healthy routine, I want to highlight some habits and objectives that will help you make the most of your social connections in ways that support your mental and spiritual health.
Social Habits
I’ve been reading Atomic Habits by James Clear (which I highly recommend), so I want to talk to you about this in terms of habits instead of goals. If you are an extrovert this may seem obvious to you, but if you are an introvert, you might slip into a habit of reclusivity without even knowing that it’s happening. Here’s my answer to that. Put it on your calendar. I’m not saying that you have to hang out with someone every day or even every week, but I do think you need to at least chat with someone a couple of times a week. How much will really depend on your personality.
When I turned 32 I put a name on my calendar for every day of the month. I picked the 31 people I most needed to connect with regularly, and made sure I reached out on that day each month. For example, Melanie was the 23rd, so each month on the 23rd, I’d text her to ask how I could be praying for her. Over the past year, I have added the habit of weekly FaceTime or Zoom calls with the women I did Bible study with in college. We catch up and pray over the course of 90 minutes or so. And for the majority of the time over the last 20 years, I have hosted a small group in my home or attended one in someone else’s home. Add to that consistent church attendance–rain, shine, or football games–and you can see that my habits are set up to include regular exposure to people I care about.
If this is an area of struggle for you, take some time right now to decide on a new habit. Was I a bit nervous when I told 31 people that I wanted to put their names on my calendar? Yes, actually. But each of them were honored and excited about the plan. What’s holding you back right now? Is there someone you could send a quick message to, purely for the sake of connecting with another human being?
Technology
We all know that social media has its flaws and that we have a generation growing up more comfortable with text than phone calls or face to face conversations. However, since our technology is here to stay and will be constantly evolving, it’s important to find ways that it can serve us. Here are a couple of ideas that have served me well.
Facebook groups: From ministry to professional therapy to yard sales, Facebook groups have been a place of connection and invaluable information for me. I have met amazing friends that I talk with regularly but whom I’ve never met in person. Please note: this means active participation in groups and not trolling or lurking. An important thing to consider is that online groups can be hot beds for drama, so if you find that happening, leave the group! It’s not worth your peace. However, you can likely find more people who feel like your people when you can include members from across the globe. Getting yourself around people who have the habits and lifestyle that you want to have is important for achieving your goals and feel supported and understood.
Marco Polo and Voxer: These are two apps that have changed the landscape of friendship for me. The functioning is basically the same, only Marco Polo uses video and Voxer uses voice. Gone are the days of having to play phone tag with a friend, to finally get to connect three months later. With these apps, your friend can see your face and hear your voice at their own convenience. I typically turn on Marco Polo when I’m driving (in a hands-free phone holder, of course). I’ll ramble on to my friends, and they’ll do the same when they get in their cars. I have one friend that consistently uses her chicken coop as the only place that she can get peace and quiet to record her messages. My friends know that I’ll watch their messages within a day or two, and that I’ll respond next time I’m not around the kids. We have full-on conversations about everything from counseling theory to husbands to recipes, at our own pace and convenience. When stay-at-home orders first came in and everyone was cooking at home, I started a Marco Polo group called “What’s for dinner?” The group was built around sharing ideas about what to cook each night, but it also built relationships in ways that we hadn’t experienced before. Note: I do not use Voxer because I prefer the video, but I know lots of people who like the voice-only convenience.
These are just a few of the ways that I use technology to stay connected and on a consistent routine of social effort. The main point is that you need to be connecting regularly in order to maximize your mental and spiritual health. Share in the comments how you are keeping up with your friends and making new friendships!
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