There are two big lies that I often hear from clients and friends (and once in a while echoing in my own mind). One is “I’m too much,” and the other is “I’m not enough.” It seems unfair that both those lies, which seem to be incompatible, can coexist simultaneously in one mind. Today I’m going to unpack the first lie and show you how it corrupts our feelings and behaviors if we don’t fight it.
Automatic Thoughts
If you’re familiar with Cognitive Behavior Therapy, you will recognize the process that I’m using to dissect this nonsense. (If you’re not familiar with CBT, follow along and you’ll get it. No sweat!) A clinical word for this type of lie is “automatic thought.” Automatic thoughts are the thoughts that run through your brain instantly without questioning them. Are they always lies? No, some of our thoughts are naturally good and honest. But we usually don’t know which side they’re on unless we take a peek under the hood.
It’s actually really challenging for most people to identify their automatic thoughts because they seem like scientific fact when they first occur. With some work, you can identify thoughts that are negative, unhelpful, untrue, or inaccurate. And once you label them, you don’t have to believe them 100%. Sometimes it helps for another person, like a therapist, to point out where your automatic thoughts might not be 100% fact.
Feelings and Behaviors
Once you’ve identified your automatic thoughts and labeled the parts of them that might be untrue or unhelpful, you can follow a trail that leads directly to your emotions. For some people (holla’ enneagram 4’s!), it’s easier to identify the big emotions first and trace them back to thoughts. I don’t care which direction you go, as long as you put some effort into nailing down both thoughts and emotions.
Emotions lead us straight into behaviors. It can be inhibitory behaviors, like withdrawing or stuffing so that you don’t cry or explode. Or it can be outward behaviors like yelling, slamming doors, and saying things you don’t mean. All behavior has an emotional component, and if you’re having trouble figuring out why you do that thing, dig around in your feelings and you’ll probably find it! Alongside behaviors that you actually do, you’ll notice responses in your body that accompany your emotions. Think stomach aches, tension, rapid pulse, oversleeping, or crying. Our emotions impact our physiological responses.
Modern Psychology, Meet God’s Word
The beauty of CBT is that it gives you the power to intervene where it’s actually possible to intervene. Try to change your behaviors: well, if that worked, I’d have a lean, fit body and a perfectly balanced budget. Try to change your feelings: go ahead, don’t be in love with the person you love, or don’t feel scared for the future. Nah, it doesn’t work too well. But thoughts! That’s where we have the power to intervene.
Romans 12:2 tells us that we can be transformed by the renewing of our minds, and 2 Corinthians 12:5 instructs us to take every thought captive to obey Christ. Long before there was modern psychological theory, the Bible was telling us that our thoughts matter to God and have power in our lives. Not only that, it teaches us that we have power over our thoughts and that they can change. Once we change our thoughts we have the option to change our emotions and behaviors, too.
The “I’m too much” Lie
With that basic foundation of CBT, let’s go back to that big fat lie, or automatic thought, from our title: “I’m too much.” In my experience, this thought impacts more women than men, whereas “I’m not enough” impacts both genders. The “I’m too much” fallacy tells people that they are too loud, too needy, too extroverted, too emotional, too fat, too skinny, too name-your-adjective. What results is the core belief that you’re “too flawed” to be loved and accepted by other people. Stop right now and think about what adjective has described you: “I’m too ____.”
The “I’m too much” thought creates a range of emotions: embarrassment, shame, insecurity, frustration, etc. These emotions lead to behaviors like: stifling your creativity, trying to fit in, remaining silent when you have something to say, pretending to be someone who will be better accepted. These behaviors loop around to new thoughts: “If they really knew me, I wouldn’t be loved. Keep up the act.”
How to Change It
The first step in changing the progression is to identify the automatic thoughts. What was the “too much” thought that you had two paragraphs ago? I’ll go with one that I hear often: “I’m too emotional.” This one shows up when you see other people acting logically or rationally and you feel like all you can do is cry or yell. If you buy into the thought “I’m too emotional,” you’ll still have emotions. They might be frustration, self-hatred, doubt, insecurity, embarrassment. Your behaviors might go in either extreme: act out with yelling, crying, clinging onto helpers. Or you’ll work hard to stuff the emotions, mask your true self, and stifle your expression. You might withdraw because it’s easier to cry in your room than to negotiate difficult emotions around people.
When it comes to changing automatic thoughts, most of us have a response that ranges from eye-rolling to announcing, “That’s BS. I don’t believe it.” Honestly, this is the hardest part of the whole process. But you don’t have to believe your new thoughts 100%. You just have to acknowledge that they are possible. A 2% belief in your new thought creates a wedge of possibility to change the whole system.
Try changing the automatic thought “I’m too emotional” to one of these:
“I’m keenly aware of emotions in myself and people around me.”
“My emotional sensitivity is a gift that has purpose and usefulness in the world.”
“Since I’m an emotional person, I have the power to see things that others don’t see.”
“I am emotional and I’m learning to tame and direct my emotions.”
With any of the above examples, you can imagine that your emotional responses might not be the same frustration, self-hatred, doubt, insecurity, and embarrassment as in the original situation. Instead, you might feel empowered, compassionate, hopeful, and confident. Your behaviors when you feel this way are going to be engaging instead of withdrawing, expressing rather than stifling. You will be motivated to continue learning about your emotions and relating to the people around you.
Now You Try It, with God’s Help
If you are someone who has the “I’m too much” automatic thought, spend some time identifying some areas that this lie touches. If you can pick out a few of the “I’m too ____” thoughts, you can go through this process of determining automatic thoughts–>feelings–>behaviors. Then you can work to create alternative thoughts. Get some help from a friend or counselor if you need it. From your new thoughts will flow the emotions and behaviors that are going to feel a lot better.
If you are having trouble creating new thoughts, ask God to help you. Ask Him what He thinks about you and your situation. Ask Him to show you Scripture that points you to that truth. God desires for His people to be wholly confident in their position as His children and in their gifting. He wants to work on this with you. It’s something you can start during the times that you spend with God. If you need extra help, a qualified Christian therapist can help you access the power of transformation that God promises in His Word. Read this if you need help finding a Christian therapist.
If this process seems helpful to you, make sure you get the FREE download: Cognitive Behavior Therapy with Scripture. You’ll get a printable worksheet and a video where I demonstrate the technique with a real-life situation. Click HERE to get yours!
Recent Comments