“How can you smile at a time like this?” It is a sentiment from the thoughts of a fictional character in the novel I’m listening to on a 26 hour road trip. The character has just experienced an unthinkable tragedy and yet, some conflicting emotions peek through. Sometimes our bodies and our minds betray us. It’s when we have to pee in the middle of the important conversation. It’s when we start to giggle at a funeral of a loved one. Holding two or more conflicting emotions at one time is difficult for any of us.
I was recently reminded that it’s ok to feel two things at one time. If no one else acknowledges the validity of my feelings, I can parent myself well and validate them. Thank you, friend, for reminding me. The situation I’m struggling with, in all vulnerability, has to do with church.
My Personal Heartache
My pastors left the church. Six month later they moved across the country without saying goodbye. My heart has broken so many times over since the phone call in June when they said they were stepping down. (They assured me that it wasn’t a morality or sin issue, more like following God’s calling for something new.) They were in my life for a decade, dedicating all three of my children as infants, baptizing the oldest when she decided to make her public declaration of following Jesus.
On the bright and encouraging side, I can see the growth that has happened since they left. A new church has been born with many of the same friends and more new people. It is important to me that my pastors would listen to the difficult call on their lives to move on. I want the best for them. I am excited for the new things in store for their family and for ours.
On the dark side, I am hurt and feeling abandoned. I find it difficult to see posts on social media or to talk about old memories. I am angry for the way it happened and the way so many of my friends are hurt, too. Sometimes I miss the old way things were. I am confused about commitments that were made in the past, dreams that were dreamt and never fulfilled.
A Christian Cultural Problem
Coming out here with all this vulnerability is important because I have felt incapable of talking about it with those who would understand. There is a pressure, particularly in Christian subculture, to be joyful, grateful, and positive–to be “blessed.” And surely, I am blessed. But sometimes we don’t leave room for lament. For sorrow. For acknowledging and binding up the hurt. Christian brothers and sisters, can we do both?
In my own pain, I am aware of others being in pain, too. That is part of my job, after all. The situations I hear about in my sessions may not have to do with church hurt, but they all have a personal and relational component. I would like to remind my readers, as my friend did for me, that it’s ok to hold two conflicting emotions at once.
Conflicting Situations We All Face
Think about what is going on right now in the world. We just finished an election season–leaving us at once disappointed in our choices and hopeful that the future could be different. Another wave of COVID drags on, and we’re feeling afraid for the health of our elders, but longing for life to open up again. We are hopeful for the awakening of racial justice, but apprehensive for the next report of violence.
These are broad strokes that most Americans can identify, but what is happening for you personally? Some of the situations I’m aware of:
- Christians who believe marriage should be forever but don’t see any future with their spouses.
- Parents who desperately love their children but are terrified of the choices they are making.
- Business owners who have dreams for impact, but feel so discouraged at the lack of progress.
- Individuals plagued by addictions and mental health issues, yet laden with so much creativity and insight, it feels like a burden that cannot be released.
Take a moment to think of an area of your life that contains two or more conflicting emotions. Maybe actually write down what those emotions are, and then the thoughts that are producing those emotions. (Check out the last two weeks on the blog if you need help with this process.) Then practice accepting both the emotions. Think about how you would rather feel, and then tell yourself it’s ok that you don’t feel that way at this time. Remind yourself that it is reasonable that you would feel this way.
Talk it Out
Talk it out with a friend or counselor. I have a friend who lets me feel however I’m feeling, validates it, makes me feel like I’m not weird for having those feelings. I have another friend who constantly points out the other perspective, minimizes my pain, makes me feel like hiding. There is a place for both these friends in my life, but you know which one I go to first when I’m hurting. And when it’s beyond the burden of friendship, a therapist is a safe person to let it all out.
Talk it out with Jesus. My friend that validated my feelings wears a sweatshirt when she’s in a certain mood that says, “I’m only talking to Jesus.” I know she’s not 100% serious because she’s there if someone needs to talk to her. But she knows that talking to Jesus is the one thing our souls long for, and the only thing that can fill that ache. Talking to Jesus is the first priority. He is the one who understands all the difficult emotions, yet experiences true joy that He wants to share.
Hebrews 12:2-3 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.
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