It seems like depression affects everyone I know at some point in his or her life, although the lifetime rate of depression is just around 15% (https://www.verywellmind.com/depression-statistics-everyone-should-know-4159056). As a therapist, I’m around a lot more depressed people than the average person. I also tend to collect depressed friends and I’ve dealt with my own depression for twenty years. It seems like it’s all around us. I’ve learned a thing or two about how to help a friend with depression.
I’ve been the depressed friend before, and I’m grateful to a handful of people who helped pull me through. I also know what it’s like to be the friend of a depressed person. It’s a helpless feeling, and it can be exhausting. Sometimes depressed friends need a lot more care than they are able to reciprocate.
When it seems like there is nothing that you can do to help, your depressed friend wants you to know that you do help. Just being you and just being there. Not running away from the dark cloud that hangs over her head. I love how the animal friends in Winnie the Pooh all accept Eeyore in all his gloominess. They may try to cheer him up, but they don’t stop loving him when he is negative. The movie Christopher Robin (2018) portrayed this well.
When I was getting ready to write this article, I asked on social media: “When you were depressed, what did your friend do that helped?” One person responded: “They sat with me on the floor and were not afraid of my big emotions.” There is power in just being together when you’re feeling very alone. Another person told me it’s helpful to check in more. She clarified, “Don’t try to fix it or be really obvious that you’re asking about my mood.” She said send a simple, friendly text more often. “How’s it going?” would be enough.
Along with a little informal research like this, I wanted to put together a short list of action items that help when someone you love is depressed:
Just Be There
Most depressed people know the darkness and ugliness that they are living with is not pleasant for other people. This makes them fear that they will be alone. The loneliness, while sometimes self-imposed, just amplifies the dark feelings. Like my friend said above, sometimes you just need someone to sit on the floor with you. When infidelity crushed a friend, I remember sitting in a chair by her bed while she laid there and cried. When I was in my worst depression, I tagged along while my friend did mundane household chores, cooking, and childcare. It was enough just not to be alone.
If you are aware of a friend’s depression but you can’t be there in person–whether because of distance or COVID–make use of text messages, calls, and encouraging notes. Your friend will cherish your note and go back to it when things feel really bad.
Educate Yourself
One of the biggest problems depressed people face is other people not understanding what depression is and how it works. My own family struggled to understand: “What do you have to be depressed about?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase: “Why are you depressed?” The truth is, there is no WHY. Depression is a biological function that happens in your brain and body. Of course, there are external factors that can lead your body to respond with depression symptoms. Loss, transition, grief, or even stress can trigger depression.
It is sometimes helpful to my clients when I distinguish between situational or circumstantial depression and biological depression. Both can reach the point of clinical significance. But it’s important to understand that a situational depression can get better when the circumstances change. Biological depression can hit and linger even when life seems to be going well. My first depressive episode hit during my senior year of high school, amidst accolades in music and academics, acceptance to a prestigious university, and family and friendships in tact.
I think it is probably useful for everyone to know the basic signs and symptoms of depression. These include feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, sad mood or irritability, weight gain or loss, sleep disturbances, crying episodes, thoughts of suicide or self-harm, to name a few. Educating yourself on depression can make a difference in a friend’s life.
There are some great websites and organizations out there that can provide you with resources as the loved one of a depressed person. Most communities have a NAMI chapter, an organization dedicated to educating and supporting the families of those with mental health diagnoses. If the depression is chronic, and you’re committed to being in your friend’s life, it’s a good idea to seek some support and resources.
Make a Call
Here’s a tip: therapists don’t really like it when someone calls to make an appointment for someone else. It’s really important that we connect with the actual client to assess for fit as well as ensuring that the person is really motivated for counseling. However, there are a few circumstances in which a friend or family member can help narrow down the search for the right therapist.
When I was 22, newly married, living in a new part of the country, and very depressed, my friend found a therapist for me. I was too depressed to do the search and make the first call. My friend tracked down some contacts, found someone I could afford, and called ahead to pave the way. I still had to call to make the first appointment, but I was relieved to be spared the leg work.
If your friend is young, inexperienced, or severely ill, you might be able to help them out in this way. In an earlier article, I talked about how to find a therapist. But sometimes the directories provided on PsychologyToday.com or the insurance lists are overwhelming. You could make a dozen calls before you find someone who has availability. If you are looking for practical ways to help someone who is depressed, making calls and doing research is a great gift. Simply present them with a few narrow options that you know will succeed.
Outside of helping your friend find a therapist, there may be other calls you can make. Is there a particular resource that your friend needs? A support group? A pastoral visit? Even meals and workout buddies are helpful.
Prayer
It’s a shame that prayer comes last on a lot of lists, because we know it’s powerful. But I know some people come to articles like this looking for practical steps on what they can do. I hope by wrapping up this article by talking about prayer that it will linger with you as you click away from this site.
As I’ve mentioned above, depression feels dark and lonely. One client describes herself as being in an underground hole. Prayer can be the ray of light that enters that hole. To know someone is praying for you is a taste of hope. It makes us feel like our friends are with us even when they are apart. And it makes us think just maybe the God of the Universe will take notice.
And of course our God does take notice. He hears our prayers for our friends and shows us ways to offer hope. Long ago I declared my mission in counseling will be to hold hope for you when you can’t hold hope for yourself. I will be a safe container when you think there is no hope. When you are ready to hope again, I will gladly pass it back to you. You can be that hope for a friend. And God wants to heal your friend.
When you have been depressed, what have your friends done that has helped? What ways have you supported a depressed friend? Let me know in the comments, by email at info@soulgritresources.com, or on the socials @soulgritresources.
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