The “I’m not enough” lie is tricky because technically, it’s true. At least if you’re a Christian and not a secular humanist. The truth is, none of us are enough, and that’s why God sent His Son on our behalf, to be more than enough for us. While it’s theologically true that we’re not enough, it can really be difficult to have joy and confidence if you get stuck in a lie about not being enough.
The “Never-Enough” Problem
Recently I read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. My clients are accustomed to hearing about whatever I am reading. In the first chapter, Brown writes about scarcity and the never-enough problem. She tells of how quickly people can fill in the blank: “I’m never ____ enough.” Based on her extensive research, she can say without a doubt that the majority of humans simply feel that they are not enough.
If this sounds like you at some point in your life, what word did you use to fill in the blank? For me, there are a few: not thin enough, not accomplished enough, not included enough. Everyone I know has some of these. I know because people tell me their secrets. But you probably also know just from observing behavior. As I mentioned last week, the “I’m too much” lie seems to impact women more than men. The “I’m not enough” lie impacts both men and women equally, though with different words filling in the blanks.
If you haven’t read last week’s article about “I’m too much,” I encourage you to stop and read it now. Then you will understand the process I’m about to go through using principles from Cognitive Behavior Therapy. See you back here in a few minutes!
Automatic Thoughts
When I think of all the many “not enough” thoughts I’ve heard come out in therapy over the years, it’s heartbreaking. For our exercise, I want to highlight one that seems to affect both men and women. “I’m not smart enough.”
Some of the thoughts that accompany the lie “I’m not smart enough” are these:
I’ll never figure this out.
If I were smarter I would have a better job or more money.
If I weren’t so dumb, I would have finished school earlier in life.
If I don’t pretend that I already understand, they’ll find out how dumb I am.
I have to work harder than anyone else to keep up.
Feelings and Behaviors
If you believe the automatic thoughts that pop into your head, whether they are those I listed above or others, you might develop feelings that are unpleasant. You might feel discouraged, frustrated, undervalued, hopeless, insecure, fake, and exhausted.
When you feel those things, your behavior is going to follow suit. You might withdraw from projects or social engagements. You might never pursue new jobs or educational opportunities because you are predicting your failure before you begin. You will act fake because you feel fake, and you’re desperate to keep up an act so that no one finds out. You will work longer hours and do more than your share just to prove your worth to the group.
Your body will respond to these emotions, as well. You may notice signs of increased anxiety–tension, increased heart rate, stomach or head aches. Or you may sense a decrease in your energy as you withdraw from activities or overcompensate and overwork.
New Thoughts
Let me say again that I understand that this is the most difficult part and that your brain wants to tell you that it’s BS. I only need you to believe it a tiny percent in order to make this transformation possible. Your new thoughts could be:
This is difficult, but if I keep trying and asking for help, I’ll be able to figure it out eventually.
I can be grateful for the jobs I’ve had and I can keep working towards new opportunities.
I am grateful that God always meets my financial needs.
I can appreciate the experiences I had earlier in life and the perspective that I have as an older learner.
If I ask for help or clarification, I’ll understand it sooner.
I will always do my best without feeling like I have something to prove.
God gave me the specific abilities I need to do the work He has given me.
New Feelings and Behaviors
If you believe (even a smidgen) in the new thoughts I’ve listed above, or your own new thoughts that you created, you will experience a change in emotions. Instead of discouraged, frustrated, undervalued, hopeless, insecure, fake, and exhausted, you can feel determined, grateful, wise, curious, and confident.
When your emotions change in this way, your body will change, too. You will be relaxed and calm, and you have the emotional energy you need for the tasks in front of you. Your behaviors will change, too. You will remain engaged rather than withdrawn. You will continue to work hard but without exhausting yourself. You will ask questions and invite conversation. You will accept new opportunities and rise to their challenges.
With God’s Help
It’s not easy to do this process on your own at first. That’s why I encourage you to try it with a therapist. You can also ask for help from the Holy Spirit as you work to change the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. Ask Him to help you discern the thinking errors (cognitive distortions) that make you more likely to believe lies instead of truth. He will also help you recall to mind Scripture that affirms your true identity and value.
The greatest response you can give to the “I’m not enough” lie is to simply agree with it. If your mind tells you that you’re not enough, you can say, “That’s right, I’m not, but HE is, and I’m His.” You can thank Him for choosing you, for covering all your faults and inadequacies with His sufficiency. Because the truth is, we’re not enough. At the same time, God sees in you a specific, intentional, creative design. With Him by your side, you ARE enough for what He has planned.
If you need extra help, a qualified Christian therapist can help you access the power of transformation that God promises in His Word. Read this if you need help finding a Christian therapist. If this process seems helpful to you and you want more, make sure you get the FREE download: Cognitive Behavior Therapy with Scripture. You’ll get a printable worksheet and a video where I demonstrate the technique with a real-life situation. Click HERE to get yours!
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